‘Tum Mujhe Khoon Do…’

I have great respect for those who get their blood tested regularly. These are brave people. Me, I get mine tested only once a year and have nightmares even about that.

For example, last night I dreamt thieves broke in and held me up at gunpoint. I feared they would take my laptop but instead, they did a blood test on me! Next, I found myself dreaming I was travelling on Air Vistara. The stewardesses (or ‘sahayatakarmis’ as they are now called) were serving everyone their meal, but when the lady with the trolley reached my row, she pulled out a test kit, set it down on the tray table in front of me, smiled and said, “Roll up your sleeve and clench your fist please.”

The dream changed again and I found myself standing next to that new statue of Subhash Chandra Bose on Rajpath. As I gazed up at his visage, I found myself flanked by two technicians from Healthians. One said, “Tum mujhe khoon do…” and the other “… mai tumhe report doonga.”

The nightmares continued in this vein all night, so to say. All night, I dreamt I was being chased by phlebotomists, for that is the technical name for technicians who draw blood.

The actual phlebotomist arrived bright and early this morning, looking nothing like the blood-pullers who had haunted me all night. As we sat down at the dining table, I told him I’m a coward and to please keep that in mind as he did the needful. (Needleful?)

He told me to relax and look the other way. It was over before it began. I didn’t feel a thing. The technician then went on to regale me with stories about great big hatta katta hulks — body-builders and the like — who passed out just seeing a needle, and who had to be propped back up by their family members. By comparison, I feel like a sher da puttar.

I have given phlebotomist Rajinder a 5-out-of-5 rating. May he continue to phlebotomise joyfully and painlessly, while I make stupid blood-related jokes the rest of the day. For example, there is a reason why the greatest vampire of them all is called ‘count’ Dracula, heh-heh.

Have a good day and B Positive.